I knew Guides

At heart, I'm a novelist. I have written a terrorist thriller called "Nine Lives Too Many" and in anticipation of modern paranormal story called "Demon in a dream." I have a new novel coming out soon, which deals with rice queens. Most of my fictional efforts & # 39 are stored on my website – http://www.senneffhouse.com. Now I would like to return to my beginnings as a travel writer. I especially like travel writing punctuated with humor. My novel "Demon in a dream", in fact the novel is populated by many travel guides.

Heard any good guides lately?

Alaska tour our female guide said, "We are saying here in Alaska.

But man manual toll in this battle of the sexes. One man said he had made a T-shirt with the inscription: "Girls, remember, when you get to the bottom forty-eight, you & # 39; Again it will be ugly again. "

Another man Alaskan guide the next day, "Here in Alaska men men and women, too."

Every time I hit a new town on a trip or a new land port on a cruise ship, I take an orientation tour with a guide. They are called cultural orientations when they stop at the museum, rather than the craft market, where the guide & # 39; family with work.

Guides can tell jokes, propagandize, scapegoat, recite poetry and tell whoppers. They have a captive audience for a few hours, a day, or in some cases a week or more. For some reason guides in Alaska & # 39 are the best. Here are some illustrations from all over the breed:

On Moorea, Tahiti's sister island, our guide Ben said:

"This church, where members of a certain conviction of the cult. They come to my door two or three times a week with brochures .. "

Alaskan guides are full of bald eagles and the history of bears. One guide told us that a black bear came to the airport in the arrivals area. He got to the baggage carousel and started riding around. They thought that they get rid of it by turning off the carousel. He grew up and acted threateningly, so they had to let him continue his journey until the game wardens do not hit him and took him away.

Guide told this story:

"Two bears, a male and a female, assault and there are two people who were with hiking in the woods. One man was a Pole and a Czech man. "The two bears were shot by hunters. in males, so they know that the Czech Republic was in the men's. "

On the ship, the Princess Alaska while we were with a martini in the living room of observation, the captain came on the pa "This is Captain Glug from the bridge. Later, he said. "In the middle of the tree, again on the port side, you will see more than two eagles."

Our waitress said, "I think the captain has a picture of two eagles pasted on his glasses.

Comedian on the ship would imitate the captain, "To starboard there are three killer whales that violate seven porpoises jumping, and three sea otters with calves floating on icebergs. And there are two bald eagles that Princess line to pay to follow the ship in Seward ".

Guides can give very different versions of the same. On Bora Bora in French Polynesia a huge disused site Hyatt only foundation stands on the beach. The local guide said that the reason the hotel was abandoned was because of the builders and # 39; greed, and the costs of mismanagement, bribery and corruption.

Anthropologist Bill Kolans on cave Raiatea another version. Polynesians never give up their land. Relatives often buried in the yard, which helps to ensure that the land will remain in the family & # 39; and. After the Hyatt builders assembled land for their hotel, hundreds of Bora Borans made claims to the land. To buy them all would be terribly expensive, so the project was abandoned.

On the tour of French Polynesia to the surface perturbation against Chinese shopkeepers. "There is also a supermarket. The Chinese, who were originally brought to Tahiti to work in the field of sugar left over after work in the field stopped. Gradually, they became merchants and is now owned by many banks and businesses.

One Tahitian guide said: "The French baked bread, the Chinese deliver and sell it, and the Tahitians pay for it."

In Bora Bora one tour guide was angry when a tourist asked him if they ever ate dog. Paul Theroux in his book on the Pacific found that some islanders in some of the archipelago did eat dog. He believed that this is why island dogs often seem so bad temptation, because they knew what to expect. Our guide said, "Of course, we do not eat dogs.

Then all his mood changed abruptly, and he said mischievously, "Now the Americans, that & # 39; S is another story.

Captain Cook hundreds of years ago More South Seas cannibalism.

Alaska tour guides specialize in the recitation of poetry in the round & # 39; s end. Their favorite Robert Service Kipling Yukon, and many many bus tours only to acute supply, you will hear "The Shooting of Dan McGrew is", "Cremation of Sam McGee" or "Spell of the Yukon. "They read from the memory, and somehow seem more direct line, as you travel through the gold rush town of the border as Skagway.

We took a ride on the steam engine train in old railway carriages, following the gold rush trail from Skagway over the mountain to the takeoff point for Dawson. In 1898, thousands of miners, in spite of the terrible conditions and thousands of pack animals were killed. Over the loudspeaker on the train tour guide woman reading the account of Jack London, who & # 39; edliva described how these animals fell or were thrown over the steep mountain trails.

In Skagwag our guide took us to the old gravey where Soapy Smith and Frank Reid is buried. Soapy Smith was the leader of a gang which terrorized the city in the gold rush days. Reid shot soap and on his grave inscription that says that it was his life for the honor of Skagway. Nearby is the tomb of a woman of pleasure. On her tombstone, he says: "She gave her life for the honor of Skagway."

In Hamburg, Germany, guide trumpeted patriotic ecology at work. A block from the infamous red light district on Reperbane, he drew attention to some woman, he said, were prostitutes. "Good for them. They save precious energy. They go to work. "

I & # 39; ve met a lot of good guides for years, and I laughed and learned from most of them.